by Megan Allen, PhD, Psychologist

It is Monday morning and your child complains they have a stomachache and don’t want to go to school.  You know they’re not sick, but for the last two months, tummy aches have been a common occurrence.  What is going on?

Your child wants to attend a birthday party but is worried about going because they’re afraid of dogs that might be there.  How do you help them?

Fear is a normal and expected part of childhood development

All children have fears and in many situations the fear is adaptive. We should be fearful when we are in threatening situations. Our flight or fight response helps to get us out of a dangerous situation. Having some fear can also help us accomplish our goals. For example, when we worry about how we will do on a test, we may dedicate more time to studying. However, fears can also become debilitating and get in the way of doing things we want to do or should do. Approximately 1 in 8 children has worries that get in their way, and parents often struggle to help them.

What do children worry about and why?

Typical fears include being away from parents, talking to others outside the family, making friends, taking a test, being around dogs or experiencing the dark. Some children seem to worry about everything. Worries can emerge in new or unfamiliar situations or in reaction to an event. Other times worries seem to develop out of nowhere and it can be difficult to understand how they began.

However your child’s fears emerged, you can help by attending to those fears, teaching them coping strategies, and developing a step-by-step plan to overcome fears.

Attend to your child’s fears

Attend to your own feelings about your child’s fears. Some parents become weary of constantly reassuring their child or feel frustrated that their child’s fears are disruptive and unrealistic. Do not let these feelings interfere with your ability to listen to your child.

Find a time to talk to your child about their fears when they are not experiencing them.

Let them know you notice their fears and care about how they are feeling.

Validate their feelings and experience and clarify what they’re afraid of to help them feel heard.

Avoid making jokes or teasing your child. Do not discount their feelings by saying, “There’s nothing to worry about.”

Avoid jumping to problem solving or reassuring until you have heard their concerns.

For younger children who often have a hard time expressing themselves, act out the situation with stuffed animals. Have one animal play the role of your child and have the other animal listen, clarify, and ask questions.

Teach coping strategies

Once you understand your child’s fears and your child feels your understanding and support, give them strategies to cope. Research has shown that the best way to overcome fears is to face them.  Some examples of strategies that help children decrease their worries include:

Calm the body:  When children experience worries, they typically experience tension in their bodies that may manifest as a racing heart, a headache, or another physical feeling.  Teach your child to calm their body by slowing down his breathing.  Ask your child to breathe in through his nose and blow air out through their mouth.  For younger children, have them imagine blowing bubbles.  Practice this skill at night before bed.

Reframe negative, unrealistic thinking:  Children who worry often have negative thinking, focusing on all of the worst outcomes. A child who is afraid of a dog biting them may believe that every dog will bite them. Help them reframe their thinking by reminding them of the friendly dogs they know.

Offer positive coping thoughts:  Remind your child of the times they have faced their fears and overcome them.  Even more powerful, ask them to recall a time they were afraid and successfully faced the fear. Teach them to turn their memory into a positive self-statement such as, “I’ve met dogs before that I like and am not afraid of.”

Make environment modifications:  For a child who is afraid of the dark, use a night light or make sure they sleep with their favorite bear. A ‘lucky’ stone that a child carries in their pocket to go to the park can remind them that they’re safe.  A favorite book or other item from home can make separating from their family easier.

Develop a plan

Once a child is armed with the tools to help themself, they can begin to slowly face their worries with a step-by-step approach. It is very important that you and your child come up with this plan together so your child feels comfortable at each step and is moving towards the larger goal. For the young child who complains of belly aches before school, offer to go to school with them and stay in the classroom for the first 15 minutes. Once this step is going well, reduce the time you stay to 10 minutes and then to 5 minutes.  Later, walk them to the door and say goodbye outside. As they makes more progress, drop your child off at the curb.

Rewards:  Rewarding your child for each successive step they take towards facing their fear will help motivate them to accomplish their goal.  Rewards do not have to be material things, but can include spending special time together, choosing a favorite meal for dinner or picking a movie to watch on the weekend.

As a child begins to face one worry at a time, their self-confidence grows and they are able to generalize their skills and capabilities to other situations. Remember, these are just a few of the many strategies available to help your child.  If their fears persist or grow, seek help from a professional.

Coping with our worries is an important skill that everyone needs to develop. Showing your child that you take their fears seriously, care about their feelings, and know how to help them learn skills to make progress, will give them the invaluable experience of being supported by another when they feel vulnerable.

If you are concerned about your child, we’re here to help. Call, email or book a phone call with our CHC Care Team.

A version of this article was also published in the Parents’ Club of Palo Alto and Menlo Park’s online article repository.